Tongue in Cheek
"Why did you park your car here?""The sign says: 'Fine for parking!'"
"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house.""Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"
"What are you going to be when you graduate?""An old man"
"I spent three years in college taking medicine.""Are you well now?"
"Do you say a prayer before you eat?""No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."
"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner.""Who wants to eat friends?"
"We are having mother for dinner, darling.""Make sure she's well done."
"I want some rat poison.""Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"
"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other.""Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."
"My father was a Pole.""North or South?"
"May I hold your hand?""No, thanks, It isn't heavy."
"Does water always come through the roof in this place?""No, sir, only when it rains."
"When will you straighten out the house, dear?""Why? Is it tilted?"
"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?""No, you'll have to walk"
"Get out of here! This isn't your house.""That's okay. I'm not myself tonight."
"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance""But why? My wife isn't dangerous."
"I have changed! my mind.""Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"
A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."His friend replies, "How's that?""It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
The Speeding Ticket
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah... so," the startled man replied.The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot. "This is the best marksmanship
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?" "Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
How He Did It
A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car, the father kept saying "I don't know how he did it!" Finally the doctor removed the car, and the father and son left. A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox shoved up HIS nose. He told the doctor, "I know how he did it!"
Doctors & Hospitals
At the Prison Hospital
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
Bad News and very bad news
Doctor : I have some bad news and some very bad news.Patient : Well, might as well give me the bad news first.Doctor : The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.Patient : 24 hours! That's terrible!! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?Doctor : I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Good news and bad news
Patient : I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?Doctor : You've had an accident involving a train.Patient : What happened?Doctor : Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?Patient : Well... The bad news first ...Doctor : Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.Patient : That's terrible! What's the good news?Doctor : There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
Patient : How much to have this tooth pulled?Dentist : 90.00.Patient : 90.00 for just a few minutes work???Dentist : I can extract it very slowly if you like.
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine." Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently." "Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?" "Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."
Hotels & Offices
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?Customer: What other colors do you have?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"She answered, "If I tell you, it will defeat the purpose."
Getting a Day Off
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
Not a Morning Person
John had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So John went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. John slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
A merchant sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor, noting that the previous bill hadn't been paid, told the collections manager to check it. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
A Consultancy firm has experts who actually visit different agencies and suggest ways to streamline their day-to-day routines. One such expert was approached by a Public Sector Undertaking to suggest ways to get rid of the clutter. He suggested as a start, that they throw out all correspondence over ten years old. The Director of the PSU loved the idea, and replied, "Good thought but first, we'll have to make three copies of everything we wish to throw out."
Shopkeeper Patel was alarmed when a new business, much like his own, opened to the left of him with a huge sign reading BEST DEALS. Mr. Patel was troubled a second time when another competitor leased the building on his right, and erected a much larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. At this point Patel was really depressed, however, he came up with an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop...it read MAIN ENTRANCE.
Clean and Green
There was this clean and green activity going on in the town side when a fellow stopped at a petrol station and, after getting the tank filled, he went into a near by "café" and bought a cup of "chai". As he was sipping his hot beverage he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old hole. The men worked right past the fellow with the "chai" and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man annoyed and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he shouted at those men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" "Well, we work for the green program, " one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the country's money?" "You don't understand, sar! " one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Ram and Baldev. I dig the hole, Ram sticks the tree and Baldev here puts the soil back. Now just because Ram's sick, that doesn't mean that Baldev and me can't work."
Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!Son : That's why I say she's no good!
Dad : "Son, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go and say sorry to her."Son : (goes over to the aunt) "Aunt, I am sorry you are stupid.
Teacher: "Spell 'WATER',"Girl : "HIJKLMNO."Teacher: "That doesn't spell 'WATER',"Girl : "Yes, it does it's all the letters from 'H to O'."
Teacher: "How do u think Shakespeare wrote such master pieces?"College student: "With a pencil, maam, either a 2B or not 2B."
Man : How old is your father ?Boy : As old as meMan : How can that be ?Boy : He became a father only when I was born
"Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school." "That's nice of her to take such an interest. What did she say when u told her u are the only child?" "She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"
Teacher: "Where were u born?"Student: "Singapore, Sir."Teacher: "Which part?"Student: "All of me, Sir."
Teacher: "Chong, u missed school last Friday."Chong : "You're wrong, Sir."Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?"Chong : "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't miss it!"
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up. "Ok, answer, Joan," said the teacher. "'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle."
Teacher : "How come you do not comb your hair?"Ah Kow : "No comb, Sir."Teacher : "Use your dad's then."Ah Kow : "No hair, Sir."
A boy came home from school with his exam results."What did u get?" asked his father."My marks are under water," said the boy. "What do u mean 'under water'?""They are all below 'C'(sea) level"
"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?" "Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."
Feet Ain't Empty
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "'It's because your feet ain't empty."
Now here is a concise and witty description on various isms:
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. State takes one and gives it to someone else.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives you milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and sell you milk.
NAZISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and shoot you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
SINGAPORE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed animals in an apartment.
JAPANESE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You give the milk to gangsters so they don't ask any awkward questions about whom you're giving the milk to.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors kill you and take the cows.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.