Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin toitch.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Kovac's Conundrum: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.Cannon's Karmic Law: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,the next morning you will have a flat tire.
O'brien's Variation Law: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move fasterthan the one you are in now.
BELL'S THEOREM When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
RUBY'S PRINCIPLE OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are withsomeone you don't want to be seen with.
WILLOUGHBY'S LAW When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
ZADRA'S LAW OF BIOMECHANICS The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
BREDA'S RULE At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrivelast.
OWEN'S LAW As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask youto do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
HOWDEN'S LAW You remember you have to mail a letter only when you're near the mailbox
Friday, December 8, 2006
The Donkey Story
THE DONKEY One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of theanimal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick togetting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each ofour troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.Remember the five simple rules to be happy:1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.4. Give more.5. Expect less NOW --------Be a good Donkey and send it across to all the donkeys you Know…. Think like a donkey…..does this make sense….If you think ‘no’ than something is wrong with your senses…..
Phone Selling Tips
This is a small project I have done on potential of phone calling manners, Thought I can share with you all. Please take positive things from this & you may omit any negative comments I have made.
How many times have you phoned a company with a simple question that would lead to the purchase of a product or service? A time when you had to press the latest game show contest result on your keypad only to be left on hold for 30 minutes. Then to be greeted by somebody who really just wants you to go away and die? Somebody who thinks of you as just another call, a nuisance or interruption to his or her day. Your heart sinks and you feel an overwhelming frustration build up inside you. Your defensive walls are raised at a thousand miles an hour and before you know it, you went from being happy (like picking roses), to looking at engaging in verbal combat with this person. I know myself that there are several companies that I need to phone but keep putting it off as I know that I will be left on hold until the next ice age (well almost). Due to this fact alone I am ready to jump conclusions as soon as a better deal arises. It is not good business. And definitely does not encourage word of mouth.
Say you ring a business and the answer comes back at you with an upbeat "Goooood morning! Thanks for calling ABC Pyramid Builders, this is Mr. X! How can I help you?". Mr.X talks to you as if he has been waiting for your call all day. He listens to you, remembers your name, appreciates your call and tries to help you out as much as possible. Mr. has made you feel good. Ands that's what it is all about.
First impressions last. So if the phone is the first encounter with your business, make sure it's a good one. It is vital that you all in sales team, especially in telecalling team understand this.
Here are some easy to implement phone tips:
Always mention your name and business name(i.e. Mr. xyz from ABC Company) when answering the phone. People like to know with whom they are talking. How do you feel when somebody just picks up the phone with 'Hello'? I know its common practice in our country, but people would appreciate if you mention your name and designation or your company name. It sounds more professional.
Do people keep asking you to repeat your name?If so, it could be the way you say your name. Try and slow down and say it more clearly next time. It will save you time and save people from the embarrassment of asking for your name again.
Don't see the telephone as an interruption!Somebody has taken the time out of his or her day to phone you! It could be your next sale.
Answering your phone after office Hours:Many people I came across, refuse to answer the phone after office hours (not specifically our company Staffs, But there were few) even though they are still at the office. However this is the time when you are most likely to make a sale or bring on a new client as none of your competitors are available. At my earlier career, I can't count the number of times I have answered calls after 5pm and spoken to a client who desperately needed some urgent tax saving plan or was unable to phone during the day due to work commitments. Most business phone calls last no longer than 2 - 5 minutes. Remember that a real person is on the other end, who is more than likely trying to put some bucks in your pocket. Don't let them down.
Remembering namesAs you know, names are very important. In many cases you will forget the persons name during the conversation. Especially if they have an unusual name. Write down the persons name on a pad you keep by the phone. Forgetting a name during a conversation is embarrassing and doesn't show much interest on your part.
Return calls promptly Often a client is promised a return phone call within a set time frame. Your clients are busy just like you and have things to do. It's a good idea to return the call, even if it is to say that you will be calling again later. Your caller will have peace of mind that you are on the case and can go about their business. If you use voice mail or an answering machine, it pays to check the messages often.
Do only one thing at a time If you are talking to a client on the phone, make sure that is the only thing you are doing. Focus 100% on the phone call. Phone calls generally don't take very long. You can check your email or continue working after the call. It is easy to sense that you are not paying attention to the conversation. If you are too busy, either transfer the call to somebody else who can help or return the call at a later time.
No silence please Silence is uncomfortable and people generally don't like being on hold. If you are waiting for your computer to do something, or browsing your manual to find a solution, or anything else for that matter, keep the conversation going with your client. Or offer to phone back.
Dealing with 3 legged 4 eyed bloater monsters If you receive a phone call from one of these angry and abusive bad boys, I suggest you get in touch with a psychiatrist as you could be losing your mind. No seriously. Hear the person out, get all the details, and if you feel yourself getting all worked up and upset, explain that you will fix the problem or come up with a solution and phone them right back. You can then hang up the phone, calm down and think about the situation more rationally. Otherwise you may act on emotions and say something silly and get eaten for dinner. Issues usually arise from misunderstandings, which will be much clearer to you once you calm down. When you are ready, phone back as you promised and sort out the problem.
Keep on smiling Just like in normal face to face conversation, it is important to smile while on the phone. This will help your voice sound happy and friendly.
Conclusion: Your telephone calls are very important for the success of your business. Implementing good phone manner will increase your sales and grow your business. Always remember that most of the phone calls you receive could lead to new sales, especially financial institutions like us, with competitors on every street ends never should miss a call, even if it is from your boss who is expecting business from you because even he can call you to give you a potential lead.
Happy phone selling.....
How many times have you phoned a company with a simple question that would lead to the purchase of a product or service? A time when you had to press the latest game show contest result on your keypad only to be left on hold for 30 minutes. Then to be greeted by somebody who really just wants you to go away and die? Somebody who thinks of you as just another call, a nuisance or interruption to his or her day. Your heart sinks and you feel an overwhelming frustration build up inside you. Your defensive walls are raised at a thousand miles an hour and before you know it, you went from being happy (like picking roses), to looking at engaging in verbal combat with this person. I know myself that there are several companies that I need to phone but keep putting it off as I know that I will be left on hold until the next ice age (well almost). Due to this fact alone I am ready to jump conclusions as soon as a better deal arises. It is not good business. And definitely does not encourage word of mouth.
Say you ring a business and the answer comes back at you with an upbeat "Goooood morning! Thanks for calling ABC Pyramid Builders, this is Mr. X! How can I help you?". Mr.X talks to you as if he has been waiting for your call all day. He listens to you, remembers your name, appreciates your call and tries to help you out as much as possible. Mr. has made you feel good. Ands that's what it is all about.
First impressions last. So if the phone is the first encounter with your business, make sure it's a good one. It is vital that you all in sales team, especially in telecalling team understand this.
Here are some easy to implement phone tips:
Always mention your name and business name(i.e. Mr. xyz from ABC Company) when answering the phone. People like to know with whom they are talking. How do you feel when somebody just picks up the phone with 'Hello'? I know its common practice in our country, but people would appreciate if you mention your name and designation or your company name. It sounds more professional.
Do people keep asking you to repeat your name?If so, it could be the way you say your name. Try and slow down and say it more clearly next time. It will save you time and save people from the embarrassment of asking for your name again.
Don't see the telephone as an interruption!Somebody has taken the time out of his or her day to phone you! It could be your next sale.
Answering your phone after office Hours:Many people I came across, refuse to answer the phone after office hours (not specifically our company Staffs, But there were few) even though they are still at the office. However this is the time when you are most likely to make a sale or bring on a new client as none of your competitors are available. At my earlier career, I can't count the number of times I have answered calls after 5pm and spoken to a client who desperately needed some urgent tax saving plan or was unable to phone during the day due to work commitments. Most business phone calls last no longer than 2 - 5 minutes. Remember that a real person is on the other end, who is more than likely trying to put some bucks in your pocket. Don't let them down.
Remembering namesAs you know, names are very important. In many cases you will forget the persons name during the conversation. Especially if they have an unusual name. Write down the persons name on a pad you keep by the phone. Forgetting a name during a conversation is embarrassing and doesn't show much interest on your part.
Return calls promptly Often a client is promised a return phone call within a set time frame. Your clients are busy just like you and have things to do. It's a good idea to return the call, even if it is to say that you will be calling again later. Your caller will have peace of mind that you are on the case and can go about their business. If you use voice mail or an answering machine, it pays to check the messages often.
Do only one thing at a time If you are talking to a client on the phone, make sure that is the only thing you are doing. Focus 100% on the phone call. Phone calls generally don't take very long. You can check your email or continue working after the call. It is easy to sense that you are not paying attention to the conversation. If you are too busy, either transfer the call to somebody else who can help or return the call at a later time.
No silence please Silence is uncomfortable and people generally don't like being on hold. If you are waiting for your computer to do something, or browsing your manual to find a solution, or anything else for that matter, keep the conversation going with your client. Or offer to phone back.
Dealing with 3 legged 4 eyed bloater monsters If you receive a phone call from one of these angry and abusive bad boys, I suggest you get in touch with a psychiatrist as you could be losing your mind. No seriously. Hear the person out, get all the details, and if you feel yourself getting all worked up and upset, explain that you will fix the problem or come up with a solution and phone them right back. You can then hang up the phone, calm down and think about the situation more rationally. Otherwise you may act on emotions and say something silly and get eaten for dinner. Issues usually arise from misunderstandings, which will be much clearer to you once you calm down. When you are ready, phone back as you promised and sort out the problem.
Keep on smiling Just like in normal face to face conversation, it is important to smile while on the phone. This will help your voice sound happy and friendly.
Conclusion: Your telephone calls are very important for the success of your business. Implementing good phone manner will increase your sales and grow your business. Always remember that most of the phone calls you receive could lead to new sales, especially financial institutions like us, with competitors on every street ends never should miss a call, even if it is from your boss who is expecting business from you because even he can call you to give you a potential lead.
Happy phone selling.....
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Best of Jokes
will be glad to share more such things, plz do write to bijugangadar@gmail.com. God Bless.
Tongue in Cheek
"Why did you park your car here?""The sign says: 'Fine for parking!'"
"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house.""Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"
"What are you going to be when you graduate?""An old man"
"I spent three years in college taking medicine.""Are you well now?"
"Do you say a prayer before you eat?""No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."
"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner.""Who wants to eat friends?"
"We are having mother for dinner, darling.""Make sure she's well done."
"I want some rat poison.""Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"
"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other.""Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."
"My father was a Pole.""North or South?"
"May I hold your hand?""No, thanks, It isn't heavy."
"Does water always come through the roof in this place?""No, sir, only when it rains."
"When will you straighten out the house, dear?""Why? Is it tilted?"
"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?""No, you'll have to walk"
"Get out of here! This isn't your house.""That's okay. I'm not myself tonight."
"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance""But why? My wife isn't dangerous."
"I have changed! my mind.""Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"
Walking Economy
A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."His friend replies, "How's that?""It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
Police
The Speeding Ticket
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah... so," the startled man replied.The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
Best Marksman
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot. "This is the best marksmanship
Family
Missing Husband
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Quick Thinking
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?" "Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
How He Did It
A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car, the father kept saying "I don't know how he did it!" Finally the doctor removed the car, and the father and son left. A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox shoved up HIS nose. He told the doctor, "I know how he did it!"
Doctors & Hospitals
At the Prison Hospital
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
Bad News and very bad news
Doctor : I have some bad news and some very bad news.Patient : Well, might as well give me the bad news first.Doctor : The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.Patient : 24 hours! That's terrible!! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?Doctor : I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Good news and bad news
Patient : I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?Doctor : You've had an accident involving a train.Patient : What happened?Doctor : Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?Patient : Well... The bad news first ...Doctor : Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.Patient : That's terrible! What's the good news?Doctor : There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
How Much
Patient : How much to have this tooth pulled?Dentist : 90.00.Patient : 90.00 for just a few minutes work???Dentist : I can extract it very slowly if you like.
Daily Routine
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine." Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently." "Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?" "Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."
Hotels & Offices
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?Customer: What other colors do you have?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"She answered, "If I tell you, it will defeat the purpose."
Getting a Day Off
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
Not a Morning Person
John had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So John went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. John slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
Can't Wait
A merchant sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor, noting that the previous bill hadn't been paid, told the collections manager to check it. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
Consultancy
A Consultancy firm has experts who actually visit different agencies and suggest ways to streamline their day-to-day routines. One such expert was approached by a Public Sector Undertaking to suggest ways to get rid of the clutter. He suggested as a start, that they throw out all correspondence over ten years old. The Director of the PSU loved the idea, and replied, "Good thought but first, we'll have to make three copies of everything we wish to throw out."
Best Deals
Shopkeeper Patel was alarmed when a new business, much like his own, opened to the left of him with a huge sign reading BEST DEALS. Mr. Patel was troubled a second time when another competitor leased the building on his right, and erected a much larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. At this point Patel was really depressed, however, he came up with an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop...it read MAIN ENTRANCE.
Clean and Green
There was this clean and green activity going on in the town side when a fellow stopped at a petrol station and, after getting the tank filled, he went into a near by "café" and bought a cup of "chai". As he was sipping his hot beverage he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old hole. The men worked right past the fellow with the "chai" and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man annoyed and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he shouted at those men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" "Well, we work for the green program, " one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the country's money?" "You don't understand, sar! " one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Ram and Baldev. I dig the hole, Ram sticks the tree and Baldev here puts the soil back. Now just because Ram's sick, that doesn't mean that Baldev and me can't work."
Little Devils
Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!Son : That's why I say she's no good!
Dad : "Son, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go and say sorry to her."Son : (goes over to the aunt) "Aunt, I am sorry you are stupid.
Teacher: "Spell 'WATER',"Girl : "HIJKLMNO."Teacher: "That doesn't spell 'WATER',"Girl : "Yes, it does it's all the letters from 'H to O'."
Teacher: "How do u think Shakespeare wrote such master pieces?"College student: "With a pencil, maam, either a 2B or not 2B."
Man : How old is your father ?Boy : As old as meMan : How can that be ?Boy : He became a father only when I was born
"Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school." "That's nice of her to take such an interest. What did she say when u told her u are the only child?" "She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"
Teacher: "Where were u born?"Student: "Singapore, Sir."Teacher: "Which part?"Student: "All of me, Sir."
Teacher: "Chong, u missed school last Friday."Chong : "You're wrong, Sir."Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?"Chong : "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't miss it!"
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up. "Ok, answer, Joan," said the teacher. "'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle."
Teacher : "How come you do not comb your hair?"Ah Kow : "No comb, Sir."Teacher : "Use your dad's then."Ah Kow : "No hair, Sir."
A boy came home from school with his exam results."What did u get?" asked his father."My marks are under water," said the boy. "What do u mean 'under water'?""They are all below 'C'(sea) level"
"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?" "Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."
Feet Ain't Empty
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "'It's because your feet ain't empty."
Witty definitions
Now here is a concise and witty description on various isms:
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. State takes one and gives it to someone else.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives you milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and sell you milk.
NAZISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and shoot you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
SINGAPORE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed animals in an apartment.
JAPANESE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You give the milk to gangsters so they don't ask any awkward questions about whom you're giving the milk to.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors kill you and take the cows.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Tongue in Cheek
"Why did you park your car here?""The sign says: 'Fine for parking!'"
"I want to buy a dress to put on around the house.""Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"
"What are you going to be when you graduate?""An old man"
"I spent three years in college taking medicine.""Are you well now?"
"Do you say a prayer before you eat?""No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."
"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner.""Who wants to eat friends?"
"We are having mother for dinner, darling.""Make sure she's well done."
"I want some rat poison.""Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"
"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other.""Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."
"My father was a Pole.""North or South?"
"May I hold your hand?""No, thanks, It isn't heavy."
"Does water always come through the roof in this place?""No, sir, only when it rains."
"When will you straighten out the house, dear?""Why? Is it tilted?"
"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?""No, you'll have to walk"
"Get out of here! This isn't your house.""That's okay. I'm not myself tonight."
"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance""But why? My wife isn't dangerous."
"I have changed! my mind.""Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"
Walking Economy
A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm a walking economy."His friend replies, "How's that?""It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression."
Police
The Speeding Ticket
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair. There were plenty of other cars around me going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?" "Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man. "Ummm, yeah... so," the startled man replied.The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch ALL the fish?"
Best Marksman
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot. "This is the best marksmanship
Family
Missing Husband
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
Quick Thinking
A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?" "Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."
How He Did It
A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car, the father kept saying "I don't know how he did it!" Finally the doctor removed the car, and the father and son left. A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox shoved up HIS nose. He told the doctor, "I know how he did it!"
Doctors & Hospitals
At the Prison Hospital
Prisoner: Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
Bad News and very bad news
Doctor : I have some bad news and some very bad news.Patient : Well, might as well give me the bad news first.Doctor : The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.Patient : 24 hours! That's terrible!! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?Doctor : I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Good news and bad news
Patient : I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?Doctor : You've had an accident involving a train.Patient : What happened?Doctor : Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?Patient : Well... The bad news first ...Doctor : Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.Patient : That's terrible! What's the good news?Doctor : There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
How Much
Patient : How much to have this tooth pulled?Dentist : 90.00.Patient : 90.00 for just a few minutes work???Dentist : I can extract it very slowly if you like.
Daily Routine
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting. The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine." Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently." "Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?" "Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."
Hotels & Offices
Waiter : I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.
Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!
Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?Customer: What other colors do you have?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"She answered, "If I tell you, it will defeat the purpose."
Getting a Day Off
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"
Not a Morning Person
John had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So John went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. John slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
Can't Wait
A merchant sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor, noting that the previous bill hadn't been paid, told the collections manager to check it. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
Consultancy
A Consultancy firm has experts who actually visit different agencies and suggest ways to streamline their day-to-day routines. One such expert was approached by a Public Sector Undertaking to suggest ways to get rid of the clutter. He suggested as a start, that they throw out all correspondence over ten years old. The Director of the PSU loved the idea, and replied, "Good thought but first, we'll have to make three copies of everything we wish to throw out."
Best Deals
Shopkeeper Patel was alarmed when a new business, much like his own, opened to the left of him with a huge sign reading BEST DEALS. Mr. Patel was troubled a second time when another competitor leased the building on his right, and erected a much larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. At this point Patel was really depressed, however, he came up with an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop...it read MAIN ENTRANCE.
Clean and Green
There was this clean and green activity going on in the town side when a fellow stopped at a petrol station and, after getting the tank filled, he went into a near by "café" and bought a cup of "chai". As he was sipping his hot beverage he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old hole. The men worked right past the fellow with the "chai" and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man annoyed and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he shouted at those men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" "Well, we work for the green program, " one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the country's money?" "You don't understand, sar! " one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Ram and Baldev. I dig the hole, Ram sticks the tree and Baldev here puts the soil back. Now just because Ram's sick, that doesn't mean that Baldev and me can't work."
Little Devils
Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!Son : That's why I say she's no good!
Dad : "Son, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go and say sorry to her."Son : (goes over to the aunt) "Aunt, I am sorry you are stupid.
Teacher: "Spell 'WATER',"Girl : "HIJKLMNO."Teacher: "That doesn't spell 'WATER',"Girl : "Yes, it does it's all the letters from 'H to O'."
Teacher: "How do u think Shakespeare wrote such master pieces?"College student: "With a pencil, maam, either a 2B or not 2B."
Man : How old is your father ?Boy : As old as meMan : How can that be ?Boy : He became a father only when I was born
"Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school." "That's nice of her to take such an interest. What did she say when u told her u are the only child?" "She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"
Teacher: "Where were u born?"Student: "Singapore, Sir."Teacher: "Which part?"Student: "All of me, Sir."
Teacher: "Chong, u missed school last Friday."Chong : "You're wrong, Sir."Teacher: "Wrong, how is that?"Chong : "I was absent, yes but I certainly didn't miss it!"
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up. "Ok, answer, Joan," said the teacher. "'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle."
Teacher : "How come you do not comb your hair?"Ah Kow : "No comb, Sir."Teacher : "Use your dad's then."Ah Kow : "No hair, Sir."
A boy came home from school with his exam results."What did u get?" asked his father."My marks are under water," said the boy. "What do u mean 'under water'?""They are all below 'C'(sea) level"
"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?" "Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."
Feet Ain't Empty
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, students, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "'It's because your feet ain't empty."
Witty definitions
Now here is a concise and witty description on various isms:
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. State takes one and gives it to someone else.
PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives you milk. PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and sell you milk.
NAZISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and shoot you.
PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk. REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
SINGAPORE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed animals in an apartment.
JAPANESE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You give the milk to gangsters so they don't ask any awkward questions about whom you're giving the milk to.
BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors kill you and take the cows.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
You Might be an Anglo Indian if
You say we are White Washing the house for Christmas!!!!!!... White Washing???You say "Don't get a Kottu from me!!!!!!!"You say DONO (Don't Know)You have pepperwater, rice and pepper fry for lunch on SaturdaysOf all the dances in the world, you know what "Tiger dance" is!You ate "kanjee water & rice" when times were hard!By virtue of growing up around Tamilians, you think it's absolutely "OKAY" to dance in front of a dead body!You think the hottest Anglo tailor is 'Gani' and he left you waiting and hoping on Christmas Eve!You played "Miss Mary Mac", "Ice-cream soda" and "who stole the cookie from the cookie pot" during school breaks (ring a bell, Doveton girls??)On Christmas you wore a 'coat & skirt' made from 'Garden silk' and patent leather 'coat shoes'!You went to an Anglo dance, and if your band, when testing the sound system, spent 30 minutes of 1-2, mike testing, 1-2, mike testing, 1-2, mike testing, 1-2.You got the "FIJACKS" atleast once in your life. (got the frights/were moody)All the underwear in your family are called "Jocks", "Jungies" and "Flyingfoxes".You walk into a dance with a quarter bottle bulging in your suit pocket.You know exactly what species of ants "bully ants" is.You ran into one of the stalwarts of main road and they went "what macha -long time no see" or "Cousin got any change da, never ate from morning macha" you give them something and they are off...full swing, smile on their face to the grog shop.You've sung "Ging gang gooly..." at Sunday school or wherever!Your Sunday was longer than your Monday.Kalang Kol was a sport.You knew Mad Nora from PeramburYou know Sampath from Foxen StreetYou use the phrase How mad nah!!! And if u use "blimming and blinking" in every other sentence (still don't know what they mean - as swear words)You use the phrase "thatny" - for that onlyYou respond with a "Namind (never mind) Child"You walked in late to church and walked out early after communion.At Anglo weddings, nana says to pass more wedding cake so she can put some in her bag to take home.You played Ringa Ringa Roses, Ringing the duck, Dog Shots, Musical chairs, n sung Hotel California more than a dozen times.You are convinced that everyone else in India is a bloody pye dog , Pariah Bugger or Wog.You buy Jow and Bones along with the meat.You have witnessed the following - Aunty Dolly is laid out and between prayers Uncle Willie wails "How can you leave and go without telling us one word, chile".You and 10 other friends pooled in about 3 rupees each to buy a quarter bottle of boozeYour Aunties and Uncles get REALLY offended if you don't greet them with a 'Mornin', 'G'Afnoon', or 'D'Evenin'You refer to every guy as "bugger" in a conversation.You didn't own a tie and a suit but still wore one at the Christmas dance...Your mama prays to all the saints and every single version of Mother Mary ever known to human kind...You willingly go to the market to make some extra pais (paise).You smoke half a buggie (beedi) now and keep the other half for after lunch.You asked your mum where something was that you misplaced and she answers. "On my head"You walked in your short pants and T-shirt to the natta shop down the road or drove around on your bike to your friend's place like that.You're at British or Lala's and thinking "look at these pies how they 'beep' up the place".You've been for one of the dances organised by PassangeYour mama told you, "I'll slipper you, mind!"If I said 'Who' and you replied Mother Boo!You have a fight or watch a fight on: a) Christmas Danceb) New Years Dancec) A weddingSomebody calls you "dorai" or "missi amma"You sing "She'll be coming down the mountain..." to & fro from a picnic.......You have coconut rice, ball curry and devil chutney for lunch on special days.If Ginger wine and Kul Kuls are a 'must have' at Christmas time.You stuck a pin in the bottom of your rubber slipper strap to save yourself from buying a new strap.You think 'She wears my ring' and 'Put your sweet lips a little closer to the phone' are still the two hottest songs in the world
You and your family go to Mass with everyone wearing the same material, Father and Son have the same material shirt, mom and sis have the same material skirts, and when you go back home the same material is used for your curtains and the sofa covers.
You and your family go to Mass with everyone wearing the same material, Father and Son have the same material shirt, mom and sis have the same material skirts, and when you go back home the same material is used for your curtains and the sofa covers.
Dear Husband
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've Been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you Had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came Home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your Favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
You came home and ate in Two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't Tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything Either you're Cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away To West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your Ex-wife
***********************
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you And I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry From what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out
Your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut Off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You Look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if You can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal,
You must have Gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven Years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because The price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my Brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your Negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we Could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten Million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica .
But When I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I Hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your Letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've Been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you Had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came Home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your Favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
You came home and ate in Two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't Tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything Either you're Cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away To West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your Ex-wife
***********************
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you And I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry From what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out
Your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut Off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You Look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if You can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal,
You must have Gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven Years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because The price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my Brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your Negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we Could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten Million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica .
But When I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I Hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your Letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
You are an Indian if
You know what's going to happen in every Hindi movie before it happensYou arrive one or two hours late to a party and think it's normal.Everyone in your family has pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.You are standing next to the two largest suitcases at the Airport.Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making long distance calls.Your relatives alone could populate a small city.Everyone is a family friend.You eat onions with everything.You use chilli sauce instead of tomato ketchup.You secure your baggage with a rope.You're walking out of customs with your trolley at the airport and you see all twenty-five members of your family who have come to pick you up.You're parents would freak out if u wore a crop top baring ur midriff...but wearing a sari is perfectly acceptableYour parent are panicking if you aren't married when you turn 25Your mother measures wealth in gold and diamondsA horoscope must decide your wedding dateYou are sick and tired of answering questions about "the dot on the forehead"The second you pull out of someone's driveway, your parents start talking...about them.Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15. You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantryYou drive mostly Japanese cars.You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom.Everyone thinks you're good at mathYour parents insist you marry within your race.You have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and Uncle."You own a rice cooker or twoYour family owns butcher knives bigger than your head.
Everyone thinks you're "Indian" no matter what part of South Asia your ancestors were from.
Everyone thinks you're "Indian" no matter what part of South Asia your ancestors were from.
The Techie & the Shepard -Good one
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie,
leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how
many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the
internet,where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports It to a n image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within
seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been
processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae. He uploads all of this
data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a Few minutes, receives
a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour,150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the shepherd and says:
"You have exactly 1,586 sheep".
That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the
shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks
on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The
young man thinks about it for a second and the n says: "Okay, why not?".
"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed up here
even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew to a question I never asked, and you know f*ck-all about my
business."
"Now give me back my sheep."
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie,
leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how
many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the
internet,where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite
that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports It to a n image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within
seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been
processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae. He uploads all of this
data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a Few minutes, receives
a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour,150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the shepherd and says:
"You have exactly 1,586 sheep".
That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the
shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks
on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you
exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The
young man thinks about it for a second and the n says: "Okay, why not?".
"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed up here
even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I
already knew to a question I never asked, and you know f*ck-all about my
business."
"Now give me back my sheep."
WOMEN MEANS....
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud,
"Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said,
"Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing' and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said,
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
"Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish".
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said,
"Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing' and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said,
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
20 Great One liners
1. Regular naps prevent old age... especially if you take them while driving.
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
8. You can't buy love . . but you pay heavily for it.
9. True friends stab you in the front.
10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.
20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without... but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
8. You can't buy love . . but you pay heavily for it.
9. True friends stab you in the front.
10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.
20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
The Cabbie
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you"
She answers, my son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?""Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. I lied too. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
She answers, my son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?""Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK. I lied too. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
Rhyming Couplets
A local newspaper (in England) ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.
My feelings for you no words can tell,Except for maybe "go to hell"
I thought that I could love no otherUntil, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Oh loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embraceBut don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
I see your face when I am dreaming.That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell,Except for maybe "go to hell"
I thought that I could love no otherUntil, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Oh loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embraceBut don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
I see your face when I am dreaming.That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way
30 Golden Rules for Effecient Leader
Become a Friendlier Person
1. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest, sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.
4. Become genuinely interested in other people.
5. Smile.
6. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most
important sound in any language.
7. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
8. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
9. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.
Win People to Your Way of Thinking
10. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
11. Show respect for the other person’s opinion. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
12. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
13. Begin in a friendly way.
14. Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
15. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
16. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
17. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
18. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
19. Appeal to the nobler motives.
20. Dramatize your ideas.
21. Throw down a challenge.
Be a Leader
22. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
23. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
24. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
25. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
26. Let the other person save face.
27. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your
approbation and lavish in your praise.”
28. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
29. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
30. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
1. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest, sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.
4. Become genuinely interested in other people.
5. Smile.
6. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most
important sound in any language.
7. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
8. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.
9. Make the other person feel important - and do it sincerely.
Win People to Your Way of Thinking
10. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
11. Show respect for the other person’s opinion. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
12. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
13. Begin in a friendly way.
14. Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
15. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
16. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
17. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
18. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
19. Appeal to the nobler motives.
20. Dramatize your ideas.
21. Throw down a challenge.
Be a Leader
22. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
23. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
24. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
25. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
26. Let the other person save face.
27. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your
approbation and lavish in your praise.”
28. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
29. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
30. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Local Call to Heaven
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to china. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign thatread "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.The American thanked the priest and went along his way.Next stop was in japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in chinaand he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God."O.K., thank you," said the American. He then traveled to pakistan, srilanka, russia, Germany and France.In every church he saw the same golden telephonewith the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to see if Indians had the same phone.He arrived in India, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One Rupee per call."The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a directline to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in India now, son - it's alocal call".
15 Ways To Keep Your Speaking Inspiring and Creative
When stressed or blocked it is wise to make a change so that we don't stay in that place. Yet, many times we forget some of the simple things that we can do for ourselves, quickly and easily to bring our inspiration back and increase our creativity.
1. If you usually type your speech first , hand write them. Nothing compares to seeing the ink mesh into the paper and display what you created.
2. If you spend too much time at the computer , take a break every hour. Go for a walk or just sit outside in the sun. Even five minutes in a winter sun does wonders for a mood and creativity.
3. Flip through magazines or books. Their colors and ideas will give you sparks and switch your attitude. Blue and green can reduce your stress levels by 30% or more.
4. Add strong smells to the room. Light scented candles around you, visit the fruit isle at the grocery store, or go to a store that is heavily scented. Find an orange or strawberries and smell it. Both will change a mood or create inspiration. Smells awaken your creativity. Smell strigger memories and are a great method to rekindle stories from the past.
5. Go see or rent an inspirational movie . Relaxation time is important. Watch the movie with a notebook and record inspiring phases or ideas that pop in.
6. Read a book on the topic that stirs and sparks your creativity. Poetry can do the same.
7. Look at bold and bright colors for a few minutes. These change your mood.
8. Talk with a friend about your topic to flesh out ideas, titles, and content. Tape-record the conversation so you don't miss anything. You would be surprised at how much we think we hear and how we actually do.
9. Write an email to a friend to tell him or her what you want to accomplish. If you are stuck, say so and ask for help.
10. Check in with your vibrational energy and do something to switch it into high gear. Take a shower. Go for a walk or dance naked in the moonlight.
11. Hire someone to transcribe your recording so that you can stay focused on the creative end of the speaking.
12. Authentic, flat-out, raw laughter frees the psyche and opens the creativity process.
13. Find a setting with lots of trees and flowers and feel nature. If the weather permits, take off your shoes and socks and feel the grass between your toes. Nature has away of freeing our spirit to let the flow out of our best material.
14. If you are used to practicing your speak in a quiet place, create noise and practice. You will learn to speak with distractions.
15. Go for a quiet leisurely drive and practice your vowels outlook expand your voice range.
1. If you usually type your speech first , hand write them. Nothing compares to seeing the ink mesh into the paper and display what you created.
2. If you spend too much time at the computer , take a break every hour. Go for a walk or just sit outside in the sun. Even five minutes in a winter sun does wonders for a mood and creativity.
3. Flip through magazines or books. Their colors and ideas will give you sparks and switch your attitude. Blue and green can reduce your stress levels by 30% or more.
4. Add strong smells to the room. Light scented candles around you, visit the fruit isle at the grocery store, or go to a store that is heavily scented. Find an orange or strawberries and smell it. Both will change a mood or create inspiration. Smells awaken your creativity. Smell strigger memories and are a great method to rekindle stories from the past.
5. Go see or rent an inspirational movie . Relaxation time is important. Watch the movie with a notebook and record inspiring phases or ideas that pop in.
6. Read a book on the topic that stirs and sparks your creativity. Poetry can do the same.
7. Look at bold and bright colors for a few minutes. These change your mood.
8. Talk with a friend about your topic to flesh out ideas, titles, and content. Tape-record the conversation so you don't miss anything. You would be surprised at how much we think we hear and how we actually do.
9. Write an email to a friend to tell him or her what you want to accomplish. If you are stuck, say so and ask for help.
10. Check in with your vibrational energy and do something to switch it into high gear. Take a shower. Go for a walk or dance naked in the moonlight.
11. Hire someone to transcribe your recording so that you can stay focused on the creative end of the speaking.
12. Authentic, flat-out, raw laughter frees the psyche and opens the creativity process.
13. Find a setting with lots of trees and flowers and feel nature. If the weather permits, take off your shoes and socks and feel the grass between your toes. Nature has away of freeing our spirit to let the flow out of our best material.
14. If you are used to practicing your speak in a quiet place, create noise and practice. You will learn to speak with distractions.
15. Go for a quiet leisurely drive and practice your vowels outlook expand your voice range.
THE PACK OF BISCUITS
One night there was a woman at the airport who had to wait for several hours before catching her next flight. While she waited she bought a book and a pack of biscuits to spend the time. She looked for a place to sit and waited. She was deep into her book, when suddenly she realized that there was a young man sitting next to her who was stretching his hand, with no concern whatsoever, and grabbing the pack of cookies lying between them. He started to eat them one by one. Not wanting to make a fuss about it she decided to ignore him. The woman, slightly bothered, ate the cookies and watched the clock, while the young and shameless thief of biscuits was also finishing them. The woman started to get really angry at this point and thought, "If I wasn't such a good and educated person, I would have given this daring man a black eye by now." Every time she ate a biscuit, he had one too. The dialogue between their eyes continued and when only one biscuit was left, she wondered what was he going to do.
Softly and with a nervous smile, the young man grabbed the last biscuit and broke it in two. He offered one half to the woman while he ate the other half. Briskly she took the biscuit and thought, "What an insolent man! How uneducated! He didn't even thank me!" She had never met anybody so fresh and sighed relieved to hear her flight announced. She grabbed her bags and went towards the boarding gate refusing to look back to where that insolent thief was seated. After boarding the plane and nicely seated, she looked for her book which was nearly finished by now. While looking into her bag she was totally surprised to find her pack of biscuits nearly intact. If my biscuits are here, she thought feeling terribly, those others were his and he tried to share them with me. Too late to apologize to the young man, she realized with pain, that it was her who had been insolent, uneducated and a thief, and not him!!
SPIRITUAL COMMENTARY
How many times in our lives, had we known with certainty that something happened in a certain way, only to discover later that it wasn't true?
How many times has our lack of trust within us made us judge other people unfairly with our conceited ideas, often far away from reality! That is why we have to think twice before we judge others. Let's always give others the benefit of the doubt before we think badly of them!
Softly and with a nervous smile, the young man grabbed the last biscuit and broke it in two. He offered one half to the woman while he ate the other half. Briskly she took the biscuit and thought, "What an insolent man! How uneducated! He didn't even thank me!" She had never met anybody so fresh and sighed relieved to hear her flight announced. She grabbed her bags and went towards the boarding gate refusing to look back to where that insolent thief was seated. After boarding the plane and nicely seated, she looked for her book which was nearly finished by now. While looking into her bag she was totally surprised to find her pack of biscuits nearly intact. If my biscuits are here, she thought feeling terribly, those others were his and he tried to share them with me. Too late to apologize to the young man, she realized with pain, that it was her who had been insolent, uneducated and a thief, and not him!!
SPIRITUAL COMMENTARY
How many times in our lives, had we known with certainty that something happened in a certain way, only to discover later that it wasn't true?
How many times has our lack of trust within us made us judge other people unfairly with our conceited ideas, often far away from reality! That is why we have to think twice before we judge others. Let's always give others the benefit of the doubt before we think badly of them!
WHEN YOUR HUT IS ON FIRE
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for GOD to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect himself from the elements, and to store his few possessions.
One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, "GOD! How could you do this to me?" Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
The Moral of This Story: It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because GOD is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of GOD.
One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, "GOD! How could you do this to me?" Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
The Moral of This Story: It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because GOD is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of GOD.
MOST FAMOUS MAN WHO EVER LIVED
One day many years ago at a school in North India a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give Rs.100 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived." An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was King Ashoka." The teacher said, "Sorry Alan, that's not correct."Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was King Harischandra." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.Finally, a christian boy raised his hand and said, "It was Lord Krishna." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Paul, come up here and I'll give you the 100 Rupees" As the teacher was giving Paul his money, she said, "You know Paul, since you are Christian, I was very surprised you said Lord Krishna." Paul replied, "Yes, in my heart I knew it was Jesus Christ, but business is business!"
DEATH OF A SENATOR
A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the guy.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time
that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."
So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by
and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends,
dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...Today you voted for us!"
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the guy.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time
that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."
So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by
and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends,
dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...Today you voted for us!"
A YOGI’S HELL
Once a yogi who did not fulfill his vows was taken to a special hell. He was brought to a place where he stood in front of three rooms to choose one for his place to serve his time. He was taken to one room where he saw everyone standing on their heads on a cement floor. The yogi imagined how painful it would be to stand on his head on cement and then wanted to see the other room. In the next room he saw everyone standing on their heads on a wooden floor. This wasn’t as bad, yet it would still tough. Then he looked into the third room and saw a group of people sitting at tables having coffee, but they were knee deep in stool. He thought this was quite bad, but he supposed he could tolerate sitting around having coffee all day, even if you were knew deep in stool. So he chose this room. Then the devil that was showing him around said, "OK, just take a seat."
So the fallen yogi walked into the room and took a seat at a table and ordered coffee. But a minute later another guy comes in the door. He blows a whistle and yells out, "All right everybody. Coffee break is over, back on your heads."
So the fallen yogi walked into the room and took a seat at a table and ordered coffee. But a minute later another guy comes in the door. He blows a whistle and yells out, "All right everybody. Coffee break is over, back on your heads."
DOES GOD EXIST?
A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects.
When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."
"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.
"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving a God who would allow all of these things."
The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."
"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"
"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."
"Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is, people do not come to me."
"Exactly!"- affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."
When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."
"Why do you say that?" asked the customer.
"Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving a God who would allow all of these things."
The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."
"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber. "I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"
"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."
"Ah, but barbers DO exist! What happens is, people do not come to me."
"Exactly!"- affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! What happens, is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."
CARROT, EGG OR COFFEE
A daughter complained to her father about life and how hard things are for her. She said she wanted to give up as she was tired of struggling. For just as one problem was solved, another arose.
Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen, filled three pots with water and placed the fire on high.
Soon the three pots came to a boil. In one he placed carrots, in the other he placed eggs and in the last he placed ground coffee beans. He let them sit and boil, without saying a word. The daughter wondered what he was trying to do.
In half an hour he turned down the fire and took out the contents of the pots and put them in bowls. Turning to her he said, "My dear child, what do you see?" Smartly she replied, "Carrots, eggs and coffee."
He brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After shelling it, she observed it was hard-boiled now. Finally, he asked her to take a sip of the fragrant coffee. She winced as it was very strong.
Humbly, she asked, "What does it mean father?" He explained, "Each of them faced the same adversity, 100oC of boiling water. However, each reacted differently. The carrot was strong, hard and unrelenting. But, after going through boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg was fragile. A thin outer shell protected a liquid centre. But after sitting in the boiling water, the inside became hardened. However, the coffee beans are unique. After they were in the boiling water, they became stronger and richer. Which one of these are you?" he asked.
Are you the carrot that seems hard but with the smallest amount of pain, adversity or heat, you wilt and become soft with no strength? Are you the egg, which starts off with a malleable heart? But after a death, breakup, divorce or layoff become hardened and stiff? Your shell looks the same but you are bitter and tough inside. Or are you like the coffee bean? The bean does not get its true flavour until it reaches 100oC. When the water gets hotter, it just tastes better. When things are at their worst, you get better.
So how do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
Her father, a chef, took her to the kitchen, filled three pots with water and placed the fire on high.
Soon the three pots came to a boil. In one he placed carrots, in the other he placed eggs and in the last he placed ground coffee beans. He let them sit and boil, without saying a word. The daughter wondered what he was trying to do.
In half an hour he turned down the fire and took out the contents of the pots and put them in bowls. Turning to her he said, "My dear child, what do you see?" Smartly she replied, "Carrots, eggs and coffee."
He brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. He then asked her to take an egg and break it. After shelling it, she observed it was hard-boiled now. Finally, he asked her to take a sip of the fragrant coffee. She winced as it was very strong.
Humbly, she asked, "What does it mean father?" He explained, "Each of them faced the same adversity, 100oC of boiling water. However, each reacted differently. The carrot was strong, hard and unrelenting. But, after going through boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg was fragile. A thin outer shell protected a liquid centre. But after sitting in the boiling water, the inside became hardened. However, the coffee beans are unique. After they were in the boiling water, they became stronger and richer. Which one of these are you?" he asked.
Are you the carrot that seems hard but with the smallest amount of pain, adversity or heat, you wilt and become soft with no strength? Are you the egg, which starts off with a malleable heart? But after a death, breakup, divorce or layoff become hardened and stiff? Your shell looks the same but you are bitter and tough inside. Or are you like the coffee bean? The bean does not get its true flavour until it reaches 100oC. When the water gets hotter, it just tastes better. When things are at their worst, you get better.
So how do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?
21 points for being a Good Manager
1: Fix the problem, not the blame. It is far more productive, and less expensive, to figure out what to do to fix a problem that has come up than it is to waste time trying to decide who's fault it was.
2: Tell people what you want, not how to do it. You will find people more responsive and less defensive if you can give them guidance not instructions. You will also see more initiative, more innovation, and more of an ownership attitude from them develop over time.
3: Manage the function, not the paperwork. Remember that your job is to manage a specific function within the company, whatever that may be. There is a lot of paperwork that goes with the job, but don't let that distract you from your real responsibility.
4: Don't DO Anything. Your job as a manager is to "plan, organize, control and direct." Don't let yourself waste valuable time by falling back on what you did before you became a manager. We know you enjoy it and you are good at it. That's why you were promoted. Now you need to concentrate your efforts on managing, not on "doing".
5: You never have to make up for a good start. If a project or a job gets off to a bad start it can be difficult to catch up. Do your planning up front so you get a good start and you won't regret it.
6: Get out of your office. Management By Walking Around (MBWA) does work. You make yourself more approachable. You get information first-hand. You find out what's really happening.
7: Lead by example. If you ask your employees to work overtime, be there too. Just because company policy allows it, don't fly first-class if your associates are in coach on the same plane. Be a leader - it's tougher than being a manager, but it's worth it.
8: Delegate the easy stuff. The things you do well are the things to delegate. Hold on to those that are challenging and difficult. That is how you will grow.
9: Don't get caught up in 'looking good'. "Work happily together. Don't try to act big. Don't try to get into the good graces of important people, but enjoy the company of ordinary folks. And don't think you know it all. Never pay back evil for evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honest clear through."
10: 'Quality' is just conformance to requirements. You get the behavior you critique for, so set your standards and then require conformance to them. Quality will come from that effort, not from slogans, posters, or even threats.
11: Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
12: Set S.M.A.R.T. Goals. Goals you set for yourself, or others, should be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-based.
13: Set an example. "One of the most significant parts of a manger's job is for them to become a positive role model that can pull a team together and deliver the level of service expected from their customers."
14: Know Your GPM. In engineering, GPM is gallons per minute, a design criterion. In Management GPM is an acronym for Goals, Plans, and Metrics. To achieve your goals, you must first determine what your Goals are. Then you have to develop a Plan that gets you to your goal. Finally you need Metrics (measurements) to know if you are moving toward your goal according to your plan.
15: Train Your Supervisors. The key to your business success is the productivity of your employees. The key to employee productivity is their perception of their immediate supervisor. Invest in training your supervisors and managers. It will pay off.
16: You Can't Listen With Your Mouth Open. Your associates, your employees, your suppliers, your customers all have something of value in what they have to say. Listen to the people around you. You will never learn what it is if you drown them out by talking all the time. Remember, the only thing that can come out of your mouth is something you already know. Shut up and learn.
17: Practice what you preach. To lead, you have to lead by example. Don't expect your people to work unpaid overtime if you leave early every day. Don't book yourself into a four star hotel on business trips and expect your employees to stay in the motel off the freeway.
18: Leaders create change. If you lead, you will cause changes. Be prepared for them and their impact on people within, and outside, your group. If you are not making changes, you are not leading.
19: Don't Limit Yourself. The difference between leaders and managers is that leaders do not set limits on themselves. There are enough people trying to limit what you can do. Don't be one of them.
20: Anyone can steer the ship in calm waters. What will set you apart in your career is how you perform during the tough times. Don't become complacent and relax just because things are going well. Plan ahead for the downturn.
21: You have to make a difference. The group you manage has to be more effective, more productive with you there than they would be if you were not. If they are as productive without you, there is no business sense in keeping you on the payroll.
2: Tell people what you want, not how to do it. You will find people more responsive and less defensive if you can give them guidance not instructions. You will also see more initiative, more innovation, and more of an ownership attitude from them develop over time.
3: Manage the function, not the paperwork. Remember that your job is to manage a specific function within the company, whatever that may be. There is a lot of paperwork that goes with the job, but don't let that distract you from your real responsibility.
4: Don't DO Anything. Your job as a manager is to "plan, organize, control and direct." Don't let yourself waste valuable time by falling back on what you did before you became a manager. We know you enjoy it and you are good at it. That's why you were promoted. Now you need to concentrate your efforts on managing, not on "doing".
5: You never have to make up for a good start. If a project or a job gets off to a bad start it can be difficult to catch up. Do your planning up front so you get a good start and you won't regret it.
6: Get out of your office. Management By Walking Around (MBWA) does work. You make yourself more approachable. You get information first-hand. You find out what's really happening.
7: Lead by example. If you ask your employees to work overtime, be there too. Just because company policy allows it, don't fly first-class if your associates are in coach on the same plane. Be a leader - it's tougher than being a manager, but it's worth it.
8: Delegate the easy stuff. The things you do well are the things to delegate. Hold on to those that are challenging and difficult. That is how you will grow.
9: Don't get caught up in 'looking good'. "Work happily together. Don't try to act big. Don't try to get into the good graces of important people, but enjoy the company of ordinary folks. And don't think you know it all. Never pay back evil for evil. Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honest clear through."
10: 'Quality' is just conformance to requirements. You get the behavior you critique for, so set your standards and then require conformance to them. Quality will come from that effort, not from slogans, posters, or even threats.
11: Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
12: Set S.M.A.R.T. Goals. Goals you set for yourself, or others, should be Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, and Time-based.
13: Set an example. "One of the most significant parts of a manger's job is for them to become a positive role model that can pull a team together and deliver the level of service expected from their customers."
14: Know Your GPM. In engineering, GPM is gallons per minute, a design criterion. In Management GPM is an acronym for Goals, Plans, and Metrics. To achieve your goals, you must first determine what your Goals are. Then you have to develop a Plan that gets you to your goal. Finally you need Metrics (measurements) to know if you are moving toward your goal according to your plan.
15: Train Your Supervisors. The key to your business success is the productivity of your employees. The key to employee productivity is their perception of their immediate supervisor. Invest in training your supervisors and managers. It will pay off.
16: You Can't Listen With Your Mouth Open. Your associates, your employees, your suppliers, your customers all have something of value in what they have to say. Listen to the people around you. You will never learn what it is if you drown them out by talking all the time. Remember, the only thing that can come out of your mouth is something you already know. Shut up and learn.
17: Practice what you preach. To lead, you have to lead by example. Don't expect your people to work unpaid overtime if you leave early every day. Don't book yourself into a four star hotel on business trips and expect your employees to stay in the motel off the freeway.
18: Leaders create change. If you lead, you will cause changes. Be prepared for them and their impact on people within, and outside, your group. If you are not making changes, you are not leading.
19: Don't Limit Yourself. The difference between leaders and managers is that leaders do not set limits on themselves. There are enough people trying to limit what you can do. Don't be one of them.
20: Anyone can steer the ship in calm waters. What will set you apart in your career is how you perform during the tough times. Don't become complacent and relax just because things are going well. Plan ahead for the downturn.
21: You have to make a difference. The group you manage has to be more effective, more productive with you there than they would be if you were not. If they are as productive without you, there is no business sense in keeping you on the payroll.
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