You Might be an Anglo Indian if

You say we are White Washing the house for Christmas!!!!!!... White Washing???You say "Don't get a Kottu from me!!!!!!!"You say DONO (Don't Know)You have pepperwater, rice and pepper fry for lunch on SaturdaysOf all the dances in the world, you know what "Tiger dance" is!You ate "kanjee water & rice" when times were hard!By virtue of growing up around Tamilians, you think it's absolutely "OKAY" to dance in front of a dead body!You think the hottest Anglo tailor is 'Gani' and he left you waiting and hoping on Christmas Eve!You played "Miss Mary Mac", "Ice-cream soda" and "who stole the cookie from the cookie pot" during school breaks (ring a bell, Doveton girls??)On Christmas you wore a 'coat & skirt' made from 'Garden silk' and patent leather 'coat shoes'!You went to an Anglo dance, and if your band, when testing the sound system, spent 30 minutes of 1-2, mike testing, 1-2, mike testing, 1-2, mike testing, 1-2.You got the "FIJACKS" atleast once in your life. (got the frights/were moody)All the underwear in your family are called "Jocks", "Jungies" and "Flyingfoxes".You walk into a dance with a quarter bottle bulging in your suit pocket.You know exactly what species of ants "bully ants" is.You ran into one of the stalwarts of main road and they went "what macha -long time no see" or "Cousin got any change da, never ate from morning macha" you give them something and they are off...full swing, smile on their face to the grog shop.You've sung "Ging gang gooly..." at Sunday school or wherever!Your Sunday was longer than your Monday.Kalang Kol was a sport.You knew Mad Nora from PeramburYou know Sampath from Foxen StreetYou use the phrase How mad nah!!! And if u use "blimming and blinking" in every other sentence (still don't know what they mean - as swear words)You use the phrase "thatny" - for that onlyYou respond with a "Namind (never mind) Child"You walked in late to church and walked out early after communion.At Anglo weddings, nana says to pass more wedding cake so she can put some in her bag to take home.You played Ringa Ringa Roses, Ringing the duck, Dog Shots, Musical chairs, n sung Hotel California more than a dozen times.You are convinced that everyone else in India is a bloody pye dog , Pariah Bugger or Wog.You buy Jow and Bones along with the meat.You have witnessed the following - Aunty Dolly is laid out and between prayers Uncle Willie wails "How can you leave and go without telling us one word, chile".You and 10 other friends pooled in about 3 rupees each to buy a quarter bottle of boozeYour Aunties and Uncles get REALLY offended if you don't greet them with a 'Mornin', 'G'Afnoon', or 'D'Evenin'You refer to every guy as "bugger" in a conversation.You didn't own a tie and a suit but still wore one at the Christmas dance...Your mama prays to all the saints and every single version of Mother Mary ever known to human kind...You willingly go to the market to make some extra pais (paise).You smoke half a buggie (beedi) now and keep the other half for after lunch.You asked your mum where something was that you misplaced and she answers. "On my head"You walked in your short pants and T-shirt to the natta shop down the road or drove around on your bike to your friend's place like that.You're at British or Lala's and thinking "look at these pies how they 'beep' up the place".You've been for one of the dances organised by PassangeYour mama told you, "I'll slipper you, mind!"If I said 'Who' and you replied Mother Boo!You have a fight or watch a fight on: a) Christmas Danceb) New Years Dancec) A weddingSomebody calls you "dorai" or "missi amma"You sing "She'll be coming down the mountain..." to & fro from a picnic.......You have coconut rice, ball curry and devil chutney for lunch on special days.If Ginger wine and Kul Kuls are a 'must have' at Christmas time.You stuck a pin in the bottom of your rubber slipper strap to save yourself from buying a new strap.You think 'She wears my ring' and 'Put your sweet lips a little closer to the phone' are still the two hottest songs in the world
You and your family go to Mass with everyone wearing the same material, Father and Son have the same material shirt, mom and sis have the same material skirts, and when you go back home the same material is used for your curtains and the sofa covers.

You are an Indian if

You know what's going to happen in every Hindi movie before it happensYou arrive one or two hours late to a party and think it's normal.Everyone in your family has pet names, which sound nowhere close to their real names.You are standing next to the two largest suitcases at the Airport.Your parents don't realize phone connections to foreign countries have improved in the last two decades, and still scream at the top of their lungs when making long distance calls.Your relatives alone could populate a small city.Everyone is a family friend.You eat onions with everything.You use chilli sauce instead of tomato ketchup.You secure your baggage with a rope.You're walking out of customs with your trolley at the airport and you see all twenty-five members of your family who have come to pick you up.You're parents would freak out if u wore a crop top baring ur midriff...but wearing a sari is perfectly acceptableYour parent are panicking if you aren't married when you turn 25Your mother measures wealth in gold and diamondsA horoscope must decide your wedding dateYou are sick and tired of answering questions about "the dot on the forehead"The second you pull out of someone's driveway, your parents start talking...about them.Your parents still tried to get you into places half-price saying you were 12 when you were really 15. You have a 40 lb. bag of rice in your pantryYou drive mostly Japanese cars.You've learned to keep bargaining even if the prices are rock bottom.Everyone thinks you're good at mathYour parents insist you marry within your race.You have to call just about all your parent's friends "Auntie and Uncle."You own a rice cooker or twoYour family owns butcher knives bigger than your head.

Everyone thinks you're "Indian" no matter what part of South Asia your ancestors were from.

Rhyming Couplets

A local newspaper (in England) ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.

My feelings for you no words can tell,Except for maybe "go to hell"
I thought that I could love no otherUntil, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
Oh loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embraceBut don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
I see your face when I am dreaming.That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way

Driving test in Mumbai

Local Call to Heaven

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to china. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign thatread "$10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.The American thanked the priest and went along his way.Next stop was in japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in chinaand he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God."O.K., thank you," said the American. He then traveled to pakistan, srilanka, russia, Germany and France.In every church he saw the same golden telephonewith the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to see if Indians had the same phone.He arrived in India, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "One Rupee per call."The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a directline to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in India now, son - it's alocal call".

DEATH OF A SENATOR

A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the guy.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time
that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."
So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by
and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
He reflects for a minute, then the senator answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends,
dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...Today you voted for us!"

A YOGI’S HELL

Once a yogi who did not fulfill his vows was taken to a special hell. He was brought to a place where he stood in front of three rooms to choose one for his place to serve his time. He was taken to one room where he saw everyone standing on their heads on a cement floor. The yogi imagined how painful it would be to stand on his head on cement and then wanted to see the other room. In the next room he saw everyone standing on their heads on a wooden floor. This wasn’t as bad, yet it would still tough. Then he looked into the third room and saw a group of people sitting at tables having coffee, but they were knee deep in stool. He thought this was quite bad, but he supposed he could tolerate sitting around having coffee all day, even if you were knew deep in stool. So he chose this room. Then the devil that was showing him around said, "OK, just take a seat."
So the fallen yogi walked into the room and took a seat at a table and ordered coffee. But a minute later another guy comes in the door. He blows a whistle and yells out, "All right everybody. Coffee break is over, back on your heads."